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Cat's Very Old and Very Embarrassing LJ

Lots of Randomness!

a meme XD
As usual, I never write in this thing, and when I do it's a meme!!! :3 Don't yu all just LOVE me? Anyway, this was random and funny looking, so I'll try it

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question
even if it doesnt make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 5 ppl at their tagboard to ask them to do this!
5. Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

1) How are you feeling today : Close to me - KOTOKO (I'm feeling close to myself? Well... I'm feeling lonely so I guess it is sort of accurate...)
2) How do your friends see you : Lythrum - Kawada Mami (Uh? Beautiful, weird and kind of sappy? Yup, that's totally me XD)
3) Will You Get Married : Koucha - Sakamoto Maaya (I foresee a divorce...)
4) What's your best friend theme song : Furusato - Tsuji Nozomi (I don't even think I have a best friend O_O)
5) What was your primary school like : Tooryanse - Shimamiya Eiko (I lol at the accuratedness of this. I was a scary child, when people saw me looking out the window they thought I was a ghost O_o Stupid people...)
6)What is in store for this week : Roundabout Drive - Arai Akino (well... I guess I'll just drift along then?)
7) What song describes you : Aa Yokatta - Ichii Sayaka & Nakazawa Yuko (That's very sweet <3)
8) To describe your grandparents : Porno Grafitti - Agehachou (well... we are from the Andes region, my grandparents included XD)
9) How is your life going : Osaka Rhapsody - W (yup. very true. I love you very much, but for some reason my heart aches...)
10)What song will they play at your funeral : Sukiyaki - Morning Musume (Oh! Does this mean that I will die in Japan? XD I'm somehow happy about this one)
11) How does the world see you : Renai Chu! - KOTOKO to Aki (Awww!!! Yeah, I'm moe~)
12)Will you have a happy life :  Ishiki - Shiina Ringo (Hmmm... So I'll always be in love with people who love me less? I will fail at a double suicide? I'll be a gloomy rebel forever? Doesn't sound like a happy life to me XD)
13) What do your friends really think of you : Dakishimenaide - W (I don't even know what to say about this... They think I want to be left alone? lol)
14) Do people secretly lust after you : Aisareru to iu koto - ICE from AKB48 (No, they don't lust after me, they just LOOOOOVE me. The story of my life hahaha)
15) How can I make myself happy : Hallucino (remix) - KOTOKO (But I thought that drugs were bad for you! Are you sure there's not another choice? XD)
16) What should you do with your life : Pearls - Illaria Graziano (I would comment, but I don't know what the hell this song is about. Maybe it means that I'm going to be rich? XD)
17) Will you ever have children : Ai no imi o Oshiete - W (That must be a yes, you will have lots of kids. Or something.)

Wow! Lots of W and I've Sound. I didn't see that coming XD Ok, I did see I've Sound coming, but W? I wonder why? I hace more Morning Musume or AKB48 songs than W... Maybe its a sign that W will be reborn? lol Hope definitely dies last...


This semester has been so boring I think I'll drop dead out of boredom at some point. On top of that, I have tons of work to do every day, and the HIV patients I have to deal with are not so nice to me most of the time. Of course, I understand the complicated situation they are in, but seriously, how much patience can you have if you haven't slept at all and have been standing up all day listening to the infectologists babble about antibiotics in such a complicated way that you don't understand a thing. To top all of that, a lady died the other night when I was on call, so I had to do CPR on her for like an hour, and then it was really heartbreaking to see her family criying and stuff. It's like... what can you tell them? you know? She is dead. It's not like you really understand it, it's not like you can stay conforting them all night long, because you have more patients. 

Sometimes I wonder why I chose to do this. And I honestly can't find an answer, this thing is wrecking my nerves, I'm almost never happy anymore and I'm so tired of having to do everything by myself that I've decided I won't have lunch in the hospital anymore. I can use that time to study... 

I'm just really emo lately, but I'm sick of people pretending that they're my friends, when they forget that they invited me to do something, they never call or try to hang up on me as fast as they can whenever I call them. I mean, that's seriously pathetic. 

I want to buy a kitty. My family won't let me, but I think I'll just pick one up from the street and bring it here with me. I've never been good at having friends or people who care about me, it's usually the other way around...

You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today / so stay with me and I'll have made

I just watched the movie thirteen, and I remember that when I read the reviews I thought "No way they could be doing all that, I mean they're just freaking THIRTEEN!!!" And then, I remembered something I had completely forgotten, I was horrible when I was their age, and I was even younger... 11 or 12... 

The reason why I write all of this, is because I have never told anyone. I let it slip once that I used to smoke, my bf just stared at me in disbelief. Everyone thinks that I was always an honor student. But I'm weak. I'm weak willed, even now. and I'm sure that there's more times that I've agreed to do something I didn't want to do, that times when I've stood up for myself. And I hate it. I hate this, so I hide it, try to cover it up, and smile, like a perfect person would do. So I need to put it out somewhere, right? If I don't, I might just blow up.

Another meme... See, I'm bored, and there's no TV so...
Tags: ,

Another tear... another sleepless night...

Right now, every word you said hurts, but what stings more, what slashes my already deep wounds, are the words you never said. How can I know if you ever loved me, how to be able to tell if that look in your esyes was out of boredom, hate or just... I don't know, routine? I wish I could believe in everything you said like I used to. I want to be blind now, I want to stop thinking, jumping into conclusions, but your silence hurts, it forces me to come up with an explanation of my own. People say that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, but I keep basking in mine, I keep reaching for you, even though I know you're as unreachable as if you were a ghost. How can I even miss you if I don't remember what is it like to be by your side anymore, how can I still want you to hold me when I've forgotten even what the touch of your fingers feels like. And yet, I keep calling your name, incessantly, as if it were a spell to bring you by my side, as if it would open your stubborn heart and let me know once  and for all if the 3 sweet words you've said to me haven't been a lie. So I wonder, was it always like this? Who did I fall in love with? were you always a stranger... an outsider? or did you love me more than you do now? How can I possibly know this if you keep quiet all the time?  If you've stopped loving me... I don't know, just as I'll never know if you ever loved me at all. Perhaps I was blinded with my own infatuation, perhaps I just needed to have you by my side, however little time  that happened. Because just seeing your smile made me happy, made me think that you were smiling for me, and were you? Not like it matters now.  Not like any of this matters anymore. If all the tears I've cried for you could only tell you about how I feel... but it isn't like that. I'm at least as stubborn as you are. At least as cold and distant. And even worst. It's been interesting to say the least. But I can't bear living in this illusion I create everyday. I'm running out of excuses to make up for all the nights I've fell asleep with the phone on my hand waiting for a call that just won't come. Excuses I made up myself, because you never bothered to do that. I'm running out of made up hobbies because I stay home every weekend waiting for you to come, even though i know that you won't. Of course, I know that you don't care... that's maybe the only thing you've been clear about... So what do I do know? I can't live without you, but it's not like you're even here anymore. I feel like dying if I see you with someone else, but what can I do if you don't want to be with me anymore? Everyday when I wake up, you're the first person on my mind, have I ever been on yours? I don't know what hurts me more, if seeing you or crying because you've left too soon... because you're not kind anymore... because you don't care anymore. What is it that made you change your mind? Or was I just always engaged in an unrequitted love without me knowing about it? You complain about how I give you useless things as chocolates, but what have you given me, really? Not even a phonecall, a visit... not even a flower. Hell, those are for free for crying out loud! At least before you used to try to cover it up with expensive presents whenever you couldn't be with me, now you don't even tell me why didn't you see me. I'm growing tired of chasing after you. This  awful sense of loneliness is getting weary. No matter how much I love you, I can't make you love me anymore than you do. Because I've tried, I've tried really ahrd, in every way I could possibly think of, and you just don't even look my way. What am I really for you? Did this ever have a meaning? Why did you go after me, why did you have to come and sway my heart like this? Only so you could walk away after I wasn't useful anymore? Maybe that's how it worked. I just wasn't clever enough to figure out your game. You just caught me off guard. Even though I always said that I would never fall in love "That's for fools" I guess you've just crowned me Queen of Fools, while I sit here choking with my own tears and shaking my head to scare away all the memories, all of the words, all of the times when you were so perfectly, charmingly, gentle.

So I guess I've just given you a reason to laugh at me. Finally. A real one. With a stupid cpathetic and needy letter to complete it. Well, it might be pathetic, and admittedly, it is. But I think after all this crying, after all this longing, after all this craving for something I never had, I've come to the conclusion that I don't need you. Regardless of how much I love you, because I do, indeed, I love you beyond reason and pride's boundaries, (and I guess this letter itself is proof of that) I can't help but feeling that this is much too painful for me to endure, much too tiresome.

I hope that someday, you will come to love someone at least half as much as how I loved you, and I sincerely hope that that person loves you back, so you never have to know what is it like to believe in a false hope, to cling to the smallest things: a whim of perfume, a kiss that didn't last a split second, but 2, a bit of the chocolate I hate so much...

I guess I could say in all of the pity-fest this letter has been, that I'm not going to cry for you ever again, because that's a big lie, but the reason why this is over is because I found out that crying because you don't care or crying because you're no longer there is something I've been doing for so long now that I can't even remember how far back to the past does this tradition of mine go? It's like a part of my life now. And now, I can at least pray that you find the happiness I wasn't able to give you with someone else, someone you can give your heart and soul to. Someone you can commit with, someone who cheers you up just by being there. By existing.

Maybe I've just realized that you've been missing for so long, that I might as well go away too, and see if I can finally forget all about you, in hopes of moving on, eventually.

Baby give me some passion!
There's a lot in my mind right now, so I just felt like I had to write about it. First of all, I met with an old friend of mine, who used to direct me back when I was an actress (lol) It was a strange thing, like one of those "fate meetings" Have you heard of them? Have you ever met someone that you felt that somehow was going to be an important part of your life, even if s/he didn't turn out to be a lover or anything like that? Oh, I'm weird, perhaps that's why I write all of this nonsense. This guy... he is just... amazing... I admire him so much, because he is able to live for what he loves and doesn't care about anything else. I wish I were like that at times, I feel like my life lacks so much passion, especially lately. I don't know what to do about that... The thing is, I thought that we would meet up to chat for like 2 hours and then everyone would go home and nothing would change, yet when we talked it dragged on for hours, we danced, we sang, we drank and it was really a lot of fun. Maybe it's because I'm sick of the drama that I appreciate having non-emo friends like him, with whom I can just have fun for a while and forget about all of the things I'm supposed to take seriously. 

I watched Fight Club today, and, well, more than reviewing it or whatever, the impression I have after it it's that I've never seen a movie with so much quotes that sticked to my mind. Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of a crisis in my life, but it hit me really hard. I'm determined to make things happen. I'm determined to not give up now, or ever and to NEVER take life so seriously like I have done so far. Because it's my life, I must be capable of moving forward without having any regrets or fears. Because it's me, I'm able to do it. I'm determined to be happy, I'm determined to love with all my heart even if it doesn't turn out  the way I expect it to (and of course, I know it won't... that's the sucky part when you love your bf more than he loves you XD) I just had to make this statement. I feel like this is a turning point of sorts, I have to step it up, live with all my might and love with all my heart and I'm sure that I will do it, because I'm not alone. And maybe that's what this whole "crisis" has been about. Friends are fickle, lovers only care about you for a while but LOVE itself is something greater than all of this and through the pain of my newly acquired wounds and the scars that I already have of all my life, I've learned that I must believe in myself, that there's always kindness in people's hearts and as long as there is a song to be sung, there will be hope for tomorrow. 

Sorry for the rambling... Ijust really need to get things out of my system

Oh and in a completely unrelated note (not like it's easy relating to anything I've written here) MELL is going to A-KON, so all of you people who live in Dallas or who have enough money to afford it, please go see her!!! And while you're at it think about me ;P Just kidding, I just would seriously do almost anything to be able to be there, but I won't, so whatever. At A-kon's page I read something she wrote and I was absolutely impressed at her honesty and how much of a genuine artist she is. I've SOund history has always been rather obscure to me, because I don't speak/read/understand/younameit japanese, so it's hard to come across information. MELL has always been my favorite utahime, I think she has the best range and the emotion she puts in her songs is unmatched to me. I've always been sort of disappointed that she gets almost no songs... It's terribly unfair! I would've never thought that she was the first singer to be part of I've Sound... I always thought it was... uhh... KOTOKO perhaps? I dunno, I just didn't think that poor neglected MELL was the first one. Everything she wrote in there just hit me really hard, because she is very straightforward about how she feels about singing and how passionate she is about music. When she thanks her fans for going... I really feel she is thankful. From the bottom of her heart. 

So I guess all of this nonsense comes from my utter sense of despair (lol) at finding out that I'm not passionate at all. About anything at all. Maybe singing is what fulfills me the most, as I truly love music. We had a concert this sunday and over 400 people were there, it's funny because when you see that number of people who attended a concert of any artist you would think "Wow, that's kind of crappy" but having 400 people applauding you and listening to your song is an incredible feeling... I can't really describe it, but it's like a warm sense of accomplishment that I've only felt when performing (whether singing, acting or playing the violin), meaning that it's not about the technical or intellectual accomplishment, but something about you clicking with the audience it's just utterly beautiful...

I feel like a buddhist monk right now... Weird...

I don't think I've had a worst week
This is officially the worst week of my life so far. It's been so freaking bad that I want to bury it in my subcounscious and never EVER remember any of it again. Long story short, I got seriously insulted for something I hadn't done. All of the doctors in the ER hate me and my poor classmates because of something that was completely unfair. By chance I got the worst teacher, who is terribly dumb and makes everyone fail. And on top of all that Aibon got kicked out of H!P lol This really bugged me, and the funny thing was that I told my bf about it and he looked at me like "Are you crazy or what? who cares if a singer gets kicked out?" and that was the first time I realized how much of a fangirl I am. That was funny. He gets points for being the sweetest and most patient person in the world through all this crap, which made me literally collapse (I had a panic attack) and has made me grumpy, anti-social and a total bitch to hang out with. I'm tired of being me, I don't want to be myself anymore. Seriously, I need a break. And a hobby that's not as emotionally tiring as being a H!P fan. 

I really hate my life right now. I know this sounds 13 yr old emo angst WTF but bear with me, I have my period.

In the meantime, I can't stop hoping that my doctor gets promoted or something so I don't have to see him anymore XD Yeah right, like THAT's going to happen

Ichigatsu no aoi tsuki...
music, viola, sad
Somehow I thought that when I'd see someone dying in front of me, I'd freak out. But it didn't happen. It was just odd... We did CPR and everythng, and then... the person just wouldn't be alive again. It was kind of strange, but I didn't get too sad or anything, it's kind of weird to explain. One of my patients is going to die soon. He has HIV, but he was doing alright, only they found out he has cancer. Ouch. THAT made me sad. He's so funny, he always makes me happy and I feel so powerless... This sucks sometimes...

Aitai kedo...
So, the aftermath of my trip to the first world is the following:

Good Things: - Zim & Jack stuff
- Epcot. It was awesome!! I got to eat Pocky for the first time in my life!
- VIdeo games, they were so easy to come across... I could finally buy Final Fantasy X, XII, V... and a Pokemon game in which I'm sadly stuck lol Either way, that was really cool
- Family. Ok, so sometimes they annoyed me *coughLisacough*, but my aunt Ruby is really cool, and I got to meet my adopted cousin, Linda who was really cool as well
- JD, after 5 months of him being in New Zealand, I finally got to talk to him and hang out with him, which was really awesome!

Bad Things: The food was awful. Seriously. I hate hamburgers, yet they were the only nearly edible thing. How in the world do people manage to eat such bland food really intrigues me. Everything was extremely sweet or just plain bland. It was horrible.
- Family lol. Lisa was annoying. She though she's a genius and my aunt just keeps telling her how good she is... she's so spoiled that is not fun at all. Also, my cousin's husband, Jason, was really rude so I didn't like him one bit.
- No internet. No computer at all, that was awful too
- No communication. I had almost no way to call anyone here, and that sucked too
- I didn't have fun in some parks... magic Kingdom is lame and Busch Gardens was... full of roller coasters, which I hate, so it was no fun at all either

Anyway, it's over now, and I'm so glad I'm back home, you have no idea! I missed my country a lot.

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