nyanko

Right now, every word you said hurts, but what stings more, what slashes my already deep wounds, are the words you never said. How can I know if you ever loved me, how to be able to tell if that look in your esyes was out of boredom, hate or just... I don't know, routine? I wish I could believe in everything you said like I used to. I want to be blind now, I want to stop thinking, jumping into conclusions, but your silence hurts, it forces me to come up with an explanation of my own. People say that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, but I keep basking in mine, I keep reaching for you, even though I know you're as unreachable as if you were a ghost. How can I even miss you if I don't remember what is it like to be by your side anymore, how can I still want you to hold me when I've forgotten even what the touch of your fingers feels like. And yet, I keep calling your name, incessantly, as if it were a spell to bring you by my side, as if it would open your stubborn heart and let me know once  and for all if the 3 sweet words you've said to me haven't been a lie. So I wonder, was it always like this? Who did I fall in love with? were you always a stranger... an outsider? or did you love me more than you do now? How can I possibly know this if you keep quiet all the time?  If you've stopped loving me... I don't know, just as I'll never know if you ever loved me at all. Perhaps I was blinded with my own infatuation, perhaps I just needed to have you by my side, however little time  that happened. Because just seeing your smile made me happy, made me think that you were smiling for me, and were you? Not like it matters now.  Not like any of this matters anymore. If all the tears I've cried for you could only tell you about how I feel... but it isn't like that. I'm at least as stubborn as you are. At least as cold and distant. And even worst. It's been interesting to say the least. But I can't bear living in this illusion I create everyday. I'm running out of excuses to make up for all the nights I've fell asleep with the phone on my hand waiting for a call that just won't come. Excuses I made up myself, because you never bothered to do that. I'm running out of made up hobbies because I stay home every weekend waiting for you to come, even though i know that you won't. Of course, I know that you don't care... that's maybe the only thing you've been clear about... So what do I do know? I can't live without you, but it's not like you're even here anymore. I feel like dying if I see you with someone else, but what can I do if you don't want to be with me anymore? Everyday when I wake up, you're the first person on my mind, have I ever been on yours? I don't know what hurts me more, if seeing you or crying because you've left too soon... because you're not kind anymore... because you don't care anymore. What is it that made you change your mind? Or was I just always engaged in an unrequitted love without me knowing about it? You complain about how I give you useless things as chocolates, but what have you given me, really? Not even a phonecall, a visit... not even a flower. Hell, those are for free for crying out loud! At least before you used to try to cover it up with expensive presents whenever you couldn't be with me, now you don't even tell me why didn't you see me. I'm growing tired of chasing after you. This  awful sense of loneliness is getting weary. No matter how much I love you, I can't make you love me anymore than you do. Because I've tried, I've tried really ahrd, in every way I could possibly think of, and you just don't even look my way. What am I really for you? Did this ever have a meaning? Why did you go after me, why did you have to come and sway my heart like this? Only so you could walk away after I wasn't useful anymore? Maybe that's how it worked. I just wasn't clever enough to figure out your game. You just caught me off guard. Even though I always said that I would never fall in love "That's for fools" I guess you've just crowned me Queen of Fools, while I sit here choking with my own tears and shaking my head to scare away all the memories, all of the words, all of the times when you were so perfectly, charmingly, gentle.

So I guess I've just given you a reason to laugh at me. Finally. A real one. With a stupid cpathetic and needy letter to complete it. Well, it might be pathetic, and admittedly, it is. But I think after all this crying, after all this longing, after all this craving for something I never had, I've come to the conclusion that I don't need you. Regardless of how much I love you, because I do, indeed, I love you beyond reason and pride's boundaries, (and I guess this letter itself is proof of that) I can't help but feeling that this is much too painful for me to endure, much too tiresome.

I hope that someday, you will come to love someone at least half as much as how I loved you, and I sincerely hope that that person loves you back, so you never have to know what is it like to believe in a false hope, to cling to the smallest things: a whim of perfume, a kiss that didn't last a split second, but 2, a bit of the chocolate I hate so much...

I guess I could say in all of the pity-fest this letter has been, that I'm not going to cry for you ever again, because that's a big lie, but the reason why this is over is because I found out that crying because you don't care or crying because you're no longer there is something I've been doing for so long now that I can't even remember how far back to the past does this tradition of mine go? It's like a part of my life now. And now, I can at least pray that you find the happiness I wasn't able to give you with someone else, someone you can give your heart and soul to. Someone you can commit with, someone who cheers you up just by being there. By existing.

Maybe I've just realized that you've been missing for so long, that I might as well go away too, and see if I can finally forget all about you, in hopes of moving on, eventually.